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How Not to Give a Sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on his door:

* Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

* There are 10 commandments not 12.

* There are 12 disciples, not 10.

* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

* The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not refered to as Pop, Junior, and the Spock.

* David slew Goliath, he did not kick the hell out of him.

* We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

* The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah, God."

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This page was last changed on November 23, 1997.

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