A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on his door:
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
* There are 10 commandments not 12.
* There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
* The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not refered to as Pop, Junior, and the Spock.
* David slew Goliath, he did not kick the hell out of him.
* We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
* The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah, God."